User:Symposium/Tales from Kalseri

Quirky stories about Kalșeri and its society.

Taking shoes off at home

It is a known fact that in some cultures, taking shoes off in the home is customary. Is doing so the norm in Kalșeri?

Answer: depends. In Kalșeri, taking shoes off is a gesture of trust towards the owner of the house; this derives from the custom of ancient warriors to remove their armor in environments they deemed safe enough to bar any sudden attack, allowing them to rest.

People normally do it when entering their own hose or a relative's house, and sometimes when staying at a close friend's house. However, this does not usually happen for stays lasting less than thirty minutes or visits to a generic friend's, coworker's or the employer's house.

It is also possible that Kalșerians take their shoes off when entering a house regardless of familial context. Some owners may ask guests to remove their shoes before entering, while others might not mind the guests entering their house with shoes still on. When in doubt, it's always a good idea to ask the owner.

In cervisia veritas

In 1906, the Hayworthsville, Kalúen Police Department was dealing with a murder case: Rufus J. Edswood, the owner of the local bank, was killed with a rake. All the clues were leading up to Eldon Shiggs, a farmer.

Shiggs was apprehended by the police: once questioning had started, he noticed that a half pint of beer was on the table. The police had placed it beforehand, as the result of a bet between policemen, who were convinced that if in vino veritas corresponded to the truth, then beer would likewise help the police discover the truth. He drank it at the behest of the officer. Once questioning had been resumed, the officers noticed that Shiggs was indeed more willing to tell the truth; half an hour of talking later, they gave him another glass of beer, which he happily drank. This went on for about five glasses of beer in total; at the sixth round of interrogation, the suspect confessed: he had indeed murdered Edswood.

The bet paid off. Soon after the success and the publicity surrounding it, Hayworthsville made offering a half pint of beer during police questionings official. By 1912, this custom was spread to every police department in Kalúen. However, officers started to complain about the amount of beer they had to buy and the increasing number of suspects who got in trouble with the law just to drink free beer; for those reasons, the law was changed to restrict the offer of the beverage to cases deemed serious. Another side effect that appeared was that suspects suffering from celiac disease did not feel well enough to continue the interrogation; thus, wine was introduced as an alternative to beer, so that people with said disease could request wine instead of beer.

The perfected method was extended to all of Kalșeri, and was kept as a nationwide law until 1981, when the Berschleider administration declared such expenses "unwarranted". Since then, some municipalities abolished the practice, while other towns, most often rural ones, have kept it, sometimes changing the beer to a cheap brand, as to deter loafers from clogging the queue at the police department.

A fair house in Robert E. Lee

No, it's not Tales from Kalșeri pulling a prank: New Lothian hosts – err, used to host – a municipality called Robert E. Lee! The settlement was originally known as Eigmin, but the name was changed for two reasons:

1. there was already a municipality called Eigmin, and
2. the effects of the American Civil War made several thousands of Confederate citizens leave their homeland and settle in Kalșeri, especially in New Lothian.

These two factors contributed to Eigmin being rechristened Robert E. Lee, in honor of the Commander.

Ioen Rovuan banned foreign names for municipalities, changing the name of the municipality to Ienuvionrél between 1932 and 1934, after Tomas Ienuvion, but once Ignașus Holbek revoked the ban, the town resumed its quirky name. Unsurprisingly, many of the people of Robert E. Lee, descendants of some of the Konfederasióngia who settled in Kalșeri, took pride in the name of the place they live in.

Similarly, another municipality in New Lothian was called Stonewall, in honor of Stonewall Jackson; much of the population of Stonewall also descends from the Confederate expats.

The names caused controversy during the 2010's, and several petitions to rename the towns were created; some reached their signature threshold quicker than others, but their presence alone was enough to spark a hot debate on a cantonal and national level. New Lothian Governor Henry McIntyre said that he would look into the petitions and take action from there. After the New Lothian House of Representatives passed a resolution that would ban place names, statues and "other public projects" specifically honoring the Confederacy, a protest took place in Hartleyville, in which three people died as a result of conflicts between activists affiliated to the Black Lives Matter movement and white protesters claiming to be members of the Movement for Action.

Among the effects brought on by the act, Stonewall and Robert E. Lee were renamed "Brown" and "Floyd" respectively, officially after Governor Aeneas Brown (1812–1889) and Senator John Richard Floyd (1909–1988), although it is clear who else is honored; another effect of the act is the removal of all obelisks commemorating the fallen Confederate soldiers in northern New Lothian and Beauregard Boulevard in Hartleyville being renamed "Concordia Boulevard".

Naming quandaries

The only nationwide naming bill that has ever been passed in Kalșeri was an act in 1871, which banned "names that could cause offense or embarrassment", last names as first names and nicknames as full names. Individual cantons have since passed their own naming laws, with six of them signing the Naming Protocol of 1996, which expanded the ban to names "spelled in a way to cause difficulty to the bearer or to the public official", "overtly religious" names and "ultimately meaningless" names. An amendment to the Protocol was applied a year later, clarifying that foreign names were exempt from the ban.

The 1871 naming law was generally unknown to most people until 1913, when 23-year-old Jimmy Longsbrow from Hutchinson was given the identity document with the name James; when he pointed it out, he was told that his legal name had always been James, rather than Jimmy, due to the aforementioned 1871 law. His parents proceeded with a formal complaint to the civil registration office, ensuing a nationwide legal quarrel; their complaint was ultimately dismissed.

In 1922, the Bapkeegawatch Post reported that a baby boy was denied the name Cholmondeley, allegedly because the pronunciation and the spelling were inconsistent, and also because the name was actually a last name.

During the latter half of the 20th century, the cases of rejected names increased, possibly due to the increased exposition to popular culture, such as Bonanza for a baby girl in 1962 and Welby in 1975. In 1988, parent of two Jonathan LoRiccio from Rinnacade launched a presidential campaign for the next election; his platform included the abolition of all naming laws in the country, after his applications to name his children Dweezil, male, and Moon Unit, female, as a homage to Frank Zappa, were rejected. He polled well below the top five candidates. LoRiccio announced that he would run again in 1994, with the same platform as the one for 1989, after being told that a friend of his could not name his son Judas Priest; he withdrew before Election Day, thus not appearing in any ballot paper.

A peculiar name that was rejected in 1998 was Glaybson Davensley Humberto, given to the son of second-generation Brazilian Kalșerians living in Stroughton, LG. Fulgencio Gonçalves Hasenkamp, the child's father, attempted to appeal the rejection, but then gave up and instead agreed to name his son Lúcio Humberto; he then founded the Committee for the Freedom of Naming, which submits complaints to civil registration offices on behalf of parents who wanted to name their children in unusual names, such as Rage and Ravage in 2001, 6ix in 2006, Slash in 2009, Godpraise Jedediah in 2013, the sibling set Brynleigh, Jetzyn and Tapestry in 2017 and Ryleigh, Bentlee and Jezra in 2019; of these names, only Slash was accepted as the result of an appeal. Hasenkamp would go on to run for President in 2019, receiving less than 0.5% of the votes.

Founded in rivalry

If you read the history of the towns of Calvary Hill and Moncarryton, both located in Janval, you will notice that the founders of the city had something in common: Josiah and Augustus Mulbridge were brothers. In 1857, the town of Calvary Hill was founded on an unnamed hill, by Josiah Mulbridge. The brothers seemed to get along until it was time to elect a mayor; after a fight at a nearby bar, Augustus resigned from all the positions he held in Calvary Hill and created a settlement closer to the coast and called it "Mountcalvarytown", which became Moncarryton in 1927. The two brothers set up a smear campaign against each other's town which would go on for many years; one of the points of contention was which town was founded first: those who lived in Calvary Hill argued that their village was established first, while the inhabitants of Mountcalvarytown insisted that their settlement received the status of town first.

Josiah and Augustus would die in 1884 and 1889 respectively, but the fight would last for almost one more century. In 1978, as part of a local government reform in Janval, voters who lived in the two municipalities were asked whether the two towns should merge: in a hotly-debated campaign, the Yes votes slightly edged out the No votes, and the two municipalities became one, thus quelling more than a century of differences. The rivalry lives on in a friendly sports competition held every year in the municipality, to determine which town is "better".

Why is there no DST in Kalșeri?

The lack of daylight saving time in the world is mostly reserved to tropical countries, where the amount of sunlight would not justify its introduction. Some jurisdictions used to have DST, but then got rid of it. Kalșeri is notably the only developed country in the Western Hemisphere to have never adopted DST.

Why? It all began in 1919, when the Daylight Saving Time Act was introduced in the House of Representatives, as a means to improve business with foreign companies, to save energy and to reduce crime. The Act was approved by the House, but then it died in the Senate. Crucially, Kalșeri did not enter World War I – not officially, that is – and thus the need to conserve energy had not been as strong as it was in Europe or the United States.

In 1951, the House began discussing the second iteration of the Daylight Saving Time Act. The Liberals argued that it would bring more daylight in the summer and that the change would make Kalșeri "fit better in world trade", and the act had the backing of President Stevan Geasergi. What it lacked was popular support: several protests were reported in Evalria, Percy, Lennoxton, St. Adrian and other big cities, all featuring the slogan "Don't touch our clocks!". The bill was rejected 78–69, with the Social Cooperation Party being the driving force against the adoption of DST, citing insufficient evidence that it would actually help commerce.

The debate has lived on since then, and the Daylight Saving Time Act has been brought up six more times since the 1951 iteration (1958, 1973, 1989, 2006, 2013, 2019), but it is unclear whether Kalșeri will ever adopt DST, especially after a link between DST and health problems has surfaced.

We Don't Need No Airport Expansion

In 1996, the CEO of Kalșerian Airports highlighted that the capacity for the Evalria International Airport would run out by 2002. President Phil Garner tasked Minister of Infrastructure Neil Mansley to identify the doable ways to expand the airport; when it was consolidated that the most feasible options required the demolition of buildings in use, the Garner Cabinet abandoned the project. The ideas of promoting Evalria's second airport into an international airport or building a new one away from residential areas were deemed too costly.

The same warning was repeated in 1999, and this time, newly-elected President Alejandra Ríos Soriano decided to take action: under Stan Morgenbau, Mansley's successor, the most cost-efficient plan was chosen. The side effect of the chosen plan was that a few buildings in the residential quarter of Grel would have to be demolished. Ríos Soriano chose to go ahead with the expansion of the airport, ignoring the protest of the local authorities of Grel. The airport could now withstand more passenger traffic, but 350 people lost their homes; this caused a media uproar, from which the 350-Eri would emerge. The far-left group would go on to kidnap Ríos Soriano and some of her ministers. Stan Morgenbau was murdered when his car was detonated, killing two bodyguards as well.

The political consequences of the controversy were that 12 Representatives left the Liberal Democratic Party, the Blues lost control of the House in 2002 and their presidential candidate, George Wellkiss, lost to Robert Havlichek. To de-escalate the situation, Havlichek financially compensated the evacuees and set up a small neighborhood in the city out of abandoned lots. The Transportation Expansion Act was subsequently passed in 2006, to prevent such controversies in the future.

One name, two entities

It is a well-established fact, but still a hotly-contested one, that Evalria is the capital city of Kalșeri. With a million and a half inhabitants, the city, which is also its own canton, does what capital cities usually do.

Nothing special comes to mind, until we look at some older maps of the city: there's a small area in the inner part of the city that is colored, or otherwise differently labeled from the rest of the city, which includes the area around Ganner Building, former residence of the Governor of the British Province of Callen. Officially called Town of Evalria, this area is usually referred to as Ganner's Quarter.

The small area was established in 1717, in an effort to protect Ganner Building and its workers from outside crime, in what was then called New Leeds. After Kalșeri achieved its independence, the Town of New Leeds was renamed "Town of Evalria", but it was still separated from the City. The Town's existence became increasingly irrelevant as the City grew, but its rights to appoint the Lord Mayor of Evalria and elect its own legislative assembly, the Thing of the Quarter, were kept intact; other benefits of whoever resided in the Town included priority in a number of services, such as public transportation and health care.

The Town of Evalria would cease to exist in 1996, when the law establishing the Town of Evalria was repealed by the City's Chamber of Aldermen around the same time the Thing of the Quarter approved a motion allowing the dissolution of the Town; among the driving factors of the dissolution were administrative and political irrelevance, as both the Thing and the Lord Mayor had lost their purpose and power, and did little more than perform ceremonial tasks, and the aforementioned benefits were either repealed or ignored throughout the years. The Town lives on through its own street signs and the iconic green and yellow tiles and posts that once defined the boundaries of the Town.

Hiding in plain sight

Area 51 is among the most well known places in the world, despite – or due to – its outstanding secrecy. The US is far from the only place to have such secret places; among the countries with such geographical quirks is Kalșeri.

Until 2006, the Rosby Bay Military Aviation Complex (RBMAC, or "Arby Mac" for the locals; ICAO: BAXX), situated about 20 km (12 mi) northeast of Rosby, KL was one such place. Built in 1959 by the Kalșerian Air Force, the Ministry of Defense, the Defense Agency, the Air Force and every other agency representing the State was legally banned from talking about it; those who worked at the Complex were also affected by the gag order.

Despite the lack of official coordinates for the RBMAC, some of its buildings could be seen from Highway 4, and it had its own dedicated exit, called Facilities: about a hundred "unauthorized subjects" entered the one-kilometer buffer zone surrounding the Complex, and all of them faced severe penal repercussions for trespassing. The RBMAC was so secretive that not even the President was allowed to visit it without explicit authorization from the Air Force. If a visitor were to enter the ICAO code of the place in the KalAirports website, the page would tell them that the code was in use, but, unlike any other airport, it only gave the canton in which this code was used; coordinates, name and all other data were hidden.

Due to the highly secretive nature of the RBMAC, many conspiracy theories speculated that the site was used to test BoixRossell heavy strategic bombers, nuclear weapons or even store UFOs and aliens. Some residents in the area recall seeing unusual aircraft fly above their heads.

The documents relating to the Complex were declassified in 2006, and the gag order was also lifted. Since then, several tour operators organized trips around the Complex with the authorization of the Ministry of Defense and the Air Force.

Eugène Fabron, the Major of Cartier Island

When we think of controversial politicians, we don't usually mention governors of a subdivision of a country, and chances are that Kalșeri is no exception. However, once we ask someone from Cartier Island to mention a famous Governor, the answer is pretty much unanimous: Eugène Fabron (1878–1955), President of the Cantonal Council from 1924 to 1955. Mon Major to some, le Grand Intimidateur to others, Fabron is among the best-known cantonal governors in Kalșeri and the rest of the world.

Born in 1878 in Nouvelle-Besançon to a cobbler and a teacher, Fabron was raised by a deeply Catholic family, which would influence his way of thinking. According to his memoirs, he was planning to become a priest before being drafted in 1899. After being relieved of active duty five years later, Major Fabron moved to Henriville and started his political career with the Christian Democrats. There, he rose up the ranks to become the cantonal secretary of the party.

In the 1924 gubernatorial election, Fabron used his Christian rhetoric to denounce incumbent Governor Romain Lécuyer (Kalhan Front) as "corrupt" and "morally incapable of leading this canton", winning with a 7% lead over Lécuyer. As Governor, Fabron greatly expanded the role of the Catholic Church in the cantonal education and health care systems, as well as the welfare state, to provide free health care to all working Cartierois. This meant that Cartier Island had an extremely low unemployment rate compared to the other cantons. He used health care to forcefully solve the 1927 general strike in Henriville by making it so that striking meant losing the free health care coverage.

A fundamental part of Fabron's policies was the establishment of a cantonal identity for Cartier Island: pious, hardworking and French. Among other far-reaching acts, he:

• introduced the Service Cantonal, a form of hybrid civil-military conscription in which natural-born citizens aged 18 to 25 were sent to work for charitable organizations, the municipal fire brigade, the cantonal militia or the cantonal health care system;
• restricted all "non-essential" usage of English and Kalhan;
• imposed a 25% sin tax on alcohol, tobacco, firearms and gambling;
• abolished the cantonal Senate; and
• cut the wages of all canton-wide political officers in half.

Starting from 1936, accusations of anti-Semitism and electoral fraud started to be reported by the local media, which would impact his 1939 presidential campaign and force him to withdraw, essentially handing the nomination to Walter Tillson. Fabron would run for the highest office in Kalșeri again in 1949, but he was defeated in the primary elections.

In the latter half of his tenure, Fabron would start behaving erratically. He openly mused separation from Kalșeri and unification with Quebec, and started clashing with the internal opposition, especially with the Cartierois Resurrection Party, a political movement that opposed his big-state and confessional politics. Fabron tried to get the CRP banned, but the Supreme Court of Kalșeri threw the suit out of court, stating that "the opposition is an essential part of a functioning society".

Eugène Fabron was serving his eighth consecutive term when he died on January 28, 1955, at 76. He was succeeded by Lieutenant Governor Christophe Martin, who would go on to serve until 1960. While Martin was a fellow Christian Democrat, he made efforts to liberalize the Cartierois society, as would the succeeding governors Arnaud Cloutier, Aldéric Bret and Joe Harken, the first English-speaking Governor of Cartier Island.

Fabron's policies would go on to shape Cartier Island well after his death, and his legacy lives on. Although no longer mandatory since 1998, the Service Cantonal remains popular in the Canton. Élodie Fabron, his fourth granddaughter, served as Mayor of Henriville from 2004 to 2019 and as a member of the People's Assembly, the cantonal legislature, before being appointed Minister of Gender Equality by President Jim Babich.

Due to his political positions and long tenure, Fabron has often been compared to Maurice Duplessis, Premier of Quebec from 1936 to 1939 and from 1944 to 1959.

Two-five-what?!

Battle of Hammond, 813 AD. The Lág Army, led by King Rovuan VII, is about to face the Eastern Kalúen tribe. This will enter the annals of history as Rovuan's first try at conquering the neighboring Kalúen. For this battle, Rovuan decides to use the same direct strategy that brought him victory against the fractured Așál tribes.

At first, the battle seems to be even, but a tactical blunder on th Lág side allows the Kaluonians to fend off the attack successfully. While the exact number of casualties is lost to history, Holtan Lérfuansi Ríșenfi, Rovuan's court historian, attests Kaluonian losses at about fifty, whereas the number of Lág soldiers killed in action was much higher: 254.

Embarrassed by the defeat and the subsequent cowardly retreat, Rovuan VII ordered Holtan and everyone else not to blemish his record by mentioning the number of dead Lág soldiers in what would become the worst loss in his military history, lest they faced a lengthy reprimand, and made it illegal for the number 254 to be uttered anywhere near him, with banishment from Evalria as a punishment.

The purported origin story is now mostly regarded as mythical, as there is little proof that King Rovuan VII actually ordered such a thing. A more plausible theory is that this aversion comes from the fact that this number was written as R-Ļ-Ç in Kalhan numerals, and the word raļaçi (raiáș(i) in modern Kalhan) means "suffering; to suffer".

This diakosioipentekontatetraphobia persists in the Kalșerian public mind (moreso in Kalhan-speaking communities), and has a few tangible examples:

• Elements in a list will bear "euphemisms" such as 255-1, 253+1, 253.5, 253.99, 25X, or won't be marked at all.
• Kalșerians avoid performing any action or host any event at 02:54, 12:54, 22:54 and, to a lesser extent, 14:54 (2:54 PM), as they consider these times to bring bad luck. If you're an employee at a company where most of your coworkers are Ancestral Kalșerians, and you've wondered why your ralagia friends stop working for a minute around 3 PM, this is probably why.
• Prices for more expensive items will either stop at ħ253.95, or go over at ħ255.
• There is an obscure cantonal ordinance in Lág that prohibits "the utterance of the number 254 in sites related to Rovuan VII".
• At the start of the year, fans of the Lág Spors Club regularly burn a jersey bearing the cursed number for good luck. Fans of rival teams will sometimes chant "2-5-4" in an attempt to make Lág lose.

There is a quirk in the superstition, however: the number 25.4 is usually not "censored".

The Odd One Out: the rise and fall of Invicta Evalria

When it comes to Kalșerian association football, four clubs have won more than five national titles: Evalria Citizens, Olympia Takalim, Internacional Las Encinas and Tașarél Cavaliers. Some other clubs can say they're in the Firmament as well; that was the objective for a little-known club that suddenly found itself fighting for the Premier League title: Invicta Evalria.

Founded in 1999 by businessmen Drew Manley and John Antoniewicz, Invicta Evalria adopted a market strategy fundamentally different from that of the other clubs: it targeted free agents and those who chose not to extend their playing contract, promising all sorts of gifts to make the prospective players join, and focused on its talented young players from around the world.

After breezing through the cantonal leagues, Invicta Evalria reached and won the Gateway League 2 in 2002, succeeded by a convincing Gateway League 1 title, and then a victory of the Challenge League that sent sports newspapers in a collective state of ecstasy, writing about this minnow that rose through the ranks and became a Premier League team in the span of six seasons. When Invicta Evalria reached the Premier League in 2005, they were met with extreme curiosity by causal fans, but were also mocked by fans of other Evalrian clubs for seemingly having no fans.

3 September 2005. The scene is set at the 10,500-seater Aitkenville City Stadium. It is the fifty-ninth minute of Invicta Evalria-Lág SC, currently 1–0. KBC commentators Jim Ryman and Phil Grammatico notice something is amiss:

Jim Ryman: [Hank] Floros approaching Eddy... Now, what is Floros doing there?! I don't know what Lág's mind game is, but it sure ain't working.
Phil Grammatico: Makes you wonder what Sam Grimble's doing.
Ryman: Oh! [Cary] Jenkins has come out of the left field and... No. Come on. That wasn't worthy of a penalty.
Grammatico: That was clearly simulated... The referee coming towards Jenkins and–a red card? No way!
Ryman: Oh, no, no, no. Something's rotten here. Lág ain't no title contenders, but no way in frozen Hell they'd make this many mistakes! You seein' this, Jim?
Grammatico: This is unbelievable! Surely I must be hallucinating.
Ryman: This is making a mockery out of soccer! That referee should be fired.
Grammatico: Where's the KAFF when you need it? Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.
Ryman: If I were a Lág fan, I'd be asking for a refund! And much more.

And indeed, Lág fans began to leave the stadium before the match was over; the final result would be 2–0. The following day, Ryman sent a written complaint to the Kalșerian Association Football Federation, where he expressed his concerns that Invicta-Lág had been fixed. During the three-month investigation, the KAFF found that:

• three players had their age reduced by ten years to seem more attractive to prospective buyers, thereby inflating their value, and their identity documents were forged to reflect their supposed age;
• no less than four matches of the last CL season had been fixed as to aid the meteoric "rise" of Invicta, paying referees and sometimes paying full teams to lose to Invicta;
• sales of Invicta Evalria players were massively inflated, as to make it seem that the club was making more money than it actually was;
• several "gifts" to newcomers had not been declared;
• the match against Lág had indeed been fixed.

These revelations echoed throughout the world: the story of the underdogs defeating all odds and coming close to winning the title soon changed into that of dishonesty and bribes. Further fueling these accusations was the fact that Drew Manley had previously been jailed for securities fraud.

Angered by the alleged invasion of privacy suffered by his club, Drew Manley sued the Federation, but lost. The KAFF was thus allowed to go ahead and enforce the punishment: Invicta Evalria were stripped of their seventh place and relegated to the Challenge League. The players whose age was faked were also banned from competing in all professional competitions sanctioned by the Federation, fourteenth-place Folkestone City were saved from relegation in the process, and Drew Manley and John Antoniewicz were banned from owning a soccer club operating under the KAFF.

Forced back into the Challenge League, Invicta Evalria still had some playing charm left, although almost all of their matches featured heckling. The performance took a hit when the disgraced owners were sent to jail for their crimes a year prior, but the club itself managed to avoid relegation, and would go on to play until Summer of 2008, when it declared bankruptcy. Since then, the exchange of players has been regulated more tightly, former convicts of fraud have been banned from owning a team operating under the KAFF, and higher degrees of financial transparency have been mandated by the Federation.

In 2015, Manley and Antoniewicz attempted to bypass the ownership ban by creating the National Football Association, a rival to the KAFF that operated more similarly to the American sports competitions. The NFBA finished two and a half seasons before folding due to insolvency.

Kalsploitation

If it's successful, it's bound to have at least some epigones, be it in an attempt to cash in on the latest trend, or for necessity. This fact of life rings even more true when you stumble upon Rían Dalgi (1925–2001), a Kalhan-speaking director and producer known for churning out a myriad of movies throughout his forty-year career. Most of his movies shared three traits: they were in Kalhan, they were cheap, and parts of them were suspiciously similar to popular foreign movies, which led to them becoming known as "Kalsploitation" movies.

How did this all start? The rise of Kalsploitation movies is attributed to three reasons:

1. there was little demand to dub movies into Kalhan;
2. the local cinema industry was tiny;
3. the national and local governments were ready to give grants to anyone who planned to film in Kalșeri.

Dalgi founded the Dalgi Kínemakoní (DKK; "Dalgi Cinema Corporation") in 1959, and wasted no time in producing and directing movies "inspired" by other successful movies. The following are some of the more famous movies produced by Dalgi:

• Deepest Blue, 1966. A dorky and ambitious policeman is ordered to investigate the disappearance of Deepest Blue, a 350-carat sapphire belonging to the Lágan family.
• Secret Agent No. 9 (Edienaugi Nau 9), 1968. The titular KDA agent must thwart the plans of an evil company to build a weapon capable of destroying the world.
• To The Moon and Beyond (Lago ed elto), 1970. Five astronauts are sent to the moon to determine whether humans can live there, but they soon meet an unlikely guest.
• In the Scioni Years (Scioni-iarnie), 1974. The story of a young couple on their last year of high school in 1950s Percy.
• Șunageri, 1976. Former șunagi Natán Rosi, now a penniless alcoholic, takes revenge on the colleague who framed him for a crime he did not commit.
• The Director (Ralsagi), 1979. A frustrated director – played by Rían Dalgi himself – cannot think of a good plot for his latest project, and ends up consulting with his friends and family, who all give wildly different suggestions.

While Dalgi's movies did have some moments of genuine charm, they were mostly known for their cheap effects, subpar acting, supposedly serious moments becoming a source of unintentional comedy, and improbable twists to otherwise formulaic stories. Initially liquidated in few words by critics, Dalgi's repertoire of narm and bathos achieved the status of "cult classic".

Of course, Dalgi was not the only person to churn out Kalsploitation movies, but he held the box-office monopoly on fiction-based Kalhan-language movies from the mid-1960s to the early 2000s. The end of this monopoly can be summed up in four key reasons:

1. the rise of more "serious" Kalhan-language actors and directors as a countermeasure to Dalgi's quick-and-dirty movies;
2. low-budget Dalgi-esque movies becoming the subject of an increasing social stigma and decreasing box office performance;
3. Dalgi's death in 2001;
4. Kalhan dubs of foreign movies becoming more common starting from the 1990s.

Dalgi's death prompted the rise of several "neo-Dalgist" directors who wish to preserve the legacy of Kalsploitation movies, often to cold acceptance from critics and the box office.

The National Football Association, or: My own KAFF with blackjack and hookers

Following the Invicta scandal, Drew Manley and John Antoniewicz were banned from owning a club operating in the Kalșerian Association Football Federation (KAFF), as the 2006 KAFF Statute added a rule that prevented people jailed for securities fraud at any point of their lives from taking part in the KAFF under non-playing capacities. Invicta Evalria was therefore sold to an Evalrian investor, before ceasing operations in 2008.

Manley and Antoniewicz's interest in the sport did not stop, though, and in 2015, they founded the National Football Association. While mostly similar to the KAFF, the newly-born NFBA quickly highlighted what set it apart from the rival federation:

• NFBA teams would be run more similarly to the various American sports organizations;
• a salary cap would be introduced;
• all teams would be playing in the same division;
• the title would be decided via an elimination tournament, rather than the traditional championship model used in the Premier League and elsewhere in the world;
• players would be allowed to choose a custom name on the back of their shirts;
• there would be no offside rule;
• the rules for unsportsmanlike conduct would be significantly relaxed;
• the golden goal would be re-introduced.

"A new idea of soccer" was the mantra used by the NFBA. Indeed, Drew Manley stated in the pre-match opening ceremony that the NFBA would be "the first piece of a puzzle that will span the entire globe" for his idea of the sports.

The twelve teams that participated in the first season of the NFBA were:

• Invicta Evalria, a revival of the club of the same name;
• the Kalúen Rockets;
• the Takalim Rangers (based in Folkestone);
• the St. Adrian Cyborgs;
• the Janval Salamanders (based in Bremen);
• the Lennoxton Groove;
• the San Rafael Werewolves (based in Loskaf);
• the New Lothian Thrashers (based in Geeseekulkoo);
• the New Kerry High Kings (based in Rinnacade);
• the Tigupoke Horsemen (based in Finisterra);
• the Vemín Cobras;
• the Chalmersville Neptune.

The NFBA soon reached a deal with JC Eldridge-owned XLNSports, in which the network would air the Final Four tournament live, as well as the opening game for the 2015 season. In the first season, the average attendance was 2,958, with a peak high of 5,104 in the opening match Takalim Rangers-Tigupoke Horsemen.

However, the attendance figures sharply decreased for the 2016 season, and XLNSports said that the number of spectators, live and on TV, was not enough to guarantee a renewal. Following the end of the deal, the NFBA had to resort to streaming its matches for free on YouTube, with bare-bones graphics and no commentators.

In the middle of the 2017 season, the NFBA announced that it would cease operations for the rest of the season due to lack of funding.

The Williams Incident

May 13, 1999. It's a cool Thursday night, which means that KBC is airing its flagship game show Risk!. On that night, three people : in decreasing order of money won, they are Ernie Williams, an aspiring teacher from Clovis, Lág, with ħ36,000 in the bank; Phyllis Wexler, a tailor from Sayooville, Kalúen, who has won ħ19,000; and Julio Rodríguez, born in Jardines, San Rafael and living in Evalria, who managed to win ħ12,000. Wexler is performing rather poorly for a four-week champion, and Rodríguez has a nasty tendency to get tiny but important details wrong. Williams is confident that he will unseat that lady and become the new champion, as evidenced by his beaming smile.

It is the final round of the game. Under the rules of Risk!, contestants are given the choice to double their winnings by answering a series of questions about a topic of their choosing in 60 seconds. With a potential win of ħ24,000, Rodríguez goes first. The questions he is given are about the club he roots for, Santa Cruz de Las Encinas, and while they may seem complicated to a casual spectator, he answers them all correctly with little hesitation. This all is for naught, though, because Wexler's knowledge of Lionel Richie's music nets her a ħ38,000 gain. It all comes down to Williams: will he be the one to interrupt Wexler's month-long reign as Champion?

The host, Robert Wellington, is reading the questions, all centered around President Enrik Gann, when a beep is heard across the studio. Wellington asks "I'm sorry, did I just hear a beep?" as the lights fade back in. After three security members pat down the contestants and search their cabins to check whether any of them had smuggled in "illegal devices", a discovery is made: a pager was hidden in Williams's cabin. Naturally, the question in the minds of the spectators is: "How on Earth did he almost get away with that?" Following a request of explanation by the host, Williams confesses that he had hidden it in his trousers, and took it out during the ad break while everyone was distracted.

"I'm not even angry, I am just... disappointed", says Wellington. "Why would you, an aspiring teacher and a man of great culture, do such a thing? What sorta role model were you hoping to be? What sortsa lessons were you hoping to teach kids? That cheating in game shows is OK?" Despite Williams pleading ignorance, the host disqualifies him on the spot, and rules that Phyllis Wexler is still Champion. The usual consolation prize of ħ5,000 is not given to Williams.

All major networks will end up implementing tougher pre-taping inspections to prevent such an event happening again. The Risk! set will also be redesigned a year later, to allow the host to see more clearly what the contestants are doing.

The Supreme Court of Lág will later rule that Williams's claim of the KBC actively preventing him from earning the title of Champion is unfounded.

How'd You Say It? The pronunciation of borough names in Evalria

Like all big cities, Evalria is divided into eight boroughs, which have some power over their own matters and, more importantly, names: Evanstown, Gwastatir, Hampshire, Maryshill, St. Joseph, Sappejahamick, Tașarél and Uslar. The pronunciations of most of them have shifted throughout history, and some pronunciations make way for others.

St. Joseph and Hampshire are easy ones: the first is intuitively pronounced as written, and the second is pronounced exactly like the county in England and the US State that took its name, though the leading H may sometimes be muted in colloquial speech.

Being that Tașarél and Uslar are derived from Kalhan, the pronunciations (/ˌtæʃəˈrɛl/ and /ˈuːslɑr/) mimic the source language.

The longest of the eight names, Sappejahamick often leaves foreigners stumped. The Borough Council of Sappejahamick comes to the rescue by listing that the name is to be read /ˌsæpədʒəˈhæmɪk/ (or "sap-puh-djuh-ham-ick", as the website of the Borough Council puts it). This name comes from Mikmaq saqpejaqamig, ("swamp"), which is appropriate given that prior to the late 1800s, the Evalrian Swamp used to be where the Borough stands today. The pronunciation /ˌsæpədʒəˈheɪmɪk/ is sometimes heard from foreigners, and always met with a groan by residents of the area.

The A's in Gwastatir, Welsh for "flatland", are where trouble begins. First off, the first A: is it /ə/ or /ɑː/? The answer to this is so uncertain that if you ask one person twice, you might get two different results. The second A has been variously pronounced as /ɑː/, /æ/ and /eɪ/. However, residents agree that the third sillable is pronounced /tiː(ə)r/, much like in Welsh; this hasn't stopped non-locals from pronouncing it /tər/, especially coupled with the /eɪ/ before it.

With its four accepted pronunciations, Evanstown, named after Christopher C. Evans, the second mayor of Evalria after independence, is also bound to prop up an intense discussion. The first letter alone is enough to generate plenty an argument, as the local population is divided on whether it's /ɛ/ or /iː/. The "-town" suffix is another source of disagreement: the Borough maintains that the "W" is not silent (i.e. /-taʊn/), but the pronunciation /-tən/ is the clear winner in colloquial speech.

But the "Most Likely to Be the Start of Many an Argument" award goes to Maryshill. Once written "Mary's Hill", it is still pronounced that way by elderly people and in official speech, but on the informal side of things, whole 'nother story: "Mary" may be pronounced /mærɪ/, /mɛər/ or /mɑr/; the "S" is sometimes /s/ and sometimes /z/; "hill" can be any among /hɪl/, /ɪl/ and /əl/. The situation with that name is such that it isn't mentioned anywhere in the Evalria Underground, and celebrities will spice things up by either switching between the many pronunciations available, or by creating an unpredictable and often jocular one: famous cases include "marshal", courtesy of Sebastianus Linș, /meɪˈriːzaɪl/ (Brian Feene), "Marussia", "Maranello", "Azumarill" or even "Megatron". I wonder how William and Mary would be feeling about the last one.

How I Lost My Job as Senator on TV

On February 11, 2021, an article published by The Lens framed Sen. Richard Heinemann (D-JV) in what the paper considered to be stalking. Heinemann refused to respond to the accusation, and instead had his lawyer send a cease and desist to The Lens, adding that "[he] will go to any length to prove [his] innocence". On the February 19 issue, The Lens picked up on Heinemann's declaration and wrote that the editors had contacted JC Eldridge to give Heinemann a chance to defend himself... on No Holds Barred, the most fiery talk show in the country.

Eldridge Broadcasting publishes an image with a statement signed by Bill Haven, warning Heinemann that the case involves a matter that could be debated on more constructively in a legal context. The Senator commented on the same post: "I don't care. Bring it on!"

The March 3, 2021 started out with the usual Weekly Rant, followed by The Wall of Shame and The Trial of.... Spectators were probably aware of the Heinemann case, but did not seem to think too much about it – the sneek peak intentionally and unusually left out the Bombs Away! section – until a group of people, among which a balding man with a mustache, walked onto the set.

"So, uh... why don't you introduce yourselves to the audience here?" In total, seven people did so: Sen. Richard Heinemann; Gloria Dawes, Heinemann's ex-wife; Sharron Montfort, Heinemann's new wife; Dakota Heinemann, Richard's daughter from the first marriage; Grant Wagner, the one who took the incriminating photos; Mildred and Fred Wojcik, Richard Heinemann's neighbors.

Exhibit A: a picture of a car: more precisely, a black 2019 Wilheimer Gale. The license plate is visible. Heinemann shook his head, and denied that he drove such car. Dawes, however, had her partner record a video of the Senator staying close to the car. "It could have been a look-alike!", argued Heinemann. "An actor hired by The Lens on behalf of my ex-wife to get rid of me, to defame me!" Dawes and Wagner denied this.

Mildred Wojcik pointed out that Heinemann did not have any bodyguard-looking person close to him. Heinemann explained that he wasn't given one. Fred Wojcik, a former Member of Congress himself, countered that all Members of Congress and Ministers are given an escort for all visits. "You can thank the 350 Crew for that."

Exhibit B: a screenshot of some strange texts. Dakota explained that she got these texts from unknown numbers, and that they all said something among the lines of "Oh, she's got another thing coming!"

Heinemann held up his phone and said that his phone had been hacked. A perplexed Montfort replied by asking her husband two questions: "Why would a hacker just get into a Senator's phone and start sending all those weird texts, then?" and "How and why would a hacker know the names and details of the family of a Senator from Kalșeri?"

The Senator was sweating. "Scare tactics! Blackmail! That's why!", he stuttered. He mentioned a loan shark he used to owe money to. Dawes denied ever hearing about or seeing such person. "And why would a loan shark scare us, and why now?"

Exhibit C: Heinemann's paranoia. Sharron added that her husband had been unusually vague and hostile about where he was going. "When I asked if I could come, he said it was a business meeting. I often go to business dinners with him, so being told no definitely raised a red flag. And he usually tells me who is it that he goes dining with." Richard raised his hands and shouted "NDA! It was an NDA! State secrets were involved!"

Dawes mentioned that the Senator had a history of deflecting blame through improbable conspiracy theories. "Not the flat Earth or the alien kind: the 'everyone is against me' kind."

After over an hour of arguing and shouting, Haven ordered an audience voice vote, which turned out to be overwhelmingly against Heinemann.

The day after the episode aired, Heinemann was expelled from the Liberal Democratic Party, and did not run in the 2022 general election, as a "lawful" version of the episode was taking place.

Griston-Hazelton: The Car That (Sorta) Was

Founded in 1901 by Gideon Griston and Richard Hazelton, Griston-Hazelton began life by modifying cars to enhance their speed. The company started developing a series of cars in-house in 1908, but soon switched to importing cars from the United States and the United Kingdom and rebadging them due to increasing costs. While the new strategy helped bring down costs somewhat, competition with Wilheimer, as well as foreign car makers operating in Kalșeri, was still fierce, and Griston-Hazelton spared no expense when it came to advertising.

In 1947, General Motors acquired the Griston-Hazelton brand, long after the death of the main opponent of the acquisition, President Ioen Rovuan (Richard Hazelton's nephew). In-house development of original cars resumed, but this would change in the 1960s, when rebadged Opel cars began to appear in Griston-Hazelton's range. While the rebadging was usually only noticed by car aficionados who could afford to go abroad, rumors of Griston-Hazelton forgetting to purge references of the original car brands began to circulate, giving rise to the term "grissy" as a byword of a lazy or hasty job.

Starting from the 1970s, Griston-Hazelton's range was further expanded, as the brand began to sell Chevrolet and Buick cars under its own name, as well as the occasional Isuzu and GMC, in an attempt to catch as many demographic groups as possible, as exemplified by the slogan "The Car for Everyone". Consumers were puzzled by this strategy, and car journalists often described the brand as lacking direction. "It's a brand that doesn't know what it wants to be", wrote Steve Ceccarini of The Monthly Car Review in 1989. "It flings all types of cars at the wall, hoping that some of them stick in the market. Consumers have other ideas, though."

Starting from 1993, Chevrolet cars sold in Kalșeri dropped the Griston-Hazelton branding, and GMC and Oldsmobile followed suit. The Griston-Hazelton brand was discontinued in 2006, in favor of Buick. While Matthew Chandler decried the "death of the Kalșerian automotive industry", consumers do not seem to miss the brand all that much.

The 3 Cs: Conquer, Corrupt, Crumble

The logo, adopted in 1974

The roots. The Callanserrian Chemical Corporation (Kalhan: Kalșériton Kímikon Korporátare, 3K), or "3C" for short, was established in 1941, following the merger of five companies: the Callanserrian Pharmaceutical Corporation (the biggest of them all), Fonhentu Chemicals, Quinlan Pharmaceutical Products, Wilkinson Scientific, and the Robur Company. It was one of the many mergers enacted by the Holbek government, to help spur Kalșerian productivity during World War II, rationalize the internal workings of said companies, prevent them from going out of business and therefore cause lay-offs, and put an end to rivalries among the companies operating in the sector. The expansion of 3C was kept in check by the Government.

In 1953, Enrico Scioni's government had the State back out of its role as supervisor of 3C, as the wartime measures and checks were no longer necessary. This, along with the newfound success of its products, allowed 3C to expand to other venues:

• 1949: 3C established the 3C Recreational Club Network. Not a very important club, but it got the job of entertaining workers after working hours done. The Takalim section even reached the second division of football once!
• 1955: 3C acquired the struggling Rockford Insurance and Banking Company, which then became 3C's de-facto financial operations division.
• 1958: 3C launched the Cally's supermarket chain, and lobbied the government to allow supermarkets to sell drugs that did not require a prescription.
• 1963: 3C launched Windstar Radio. Initially conceived as a medium of entertainment for employees, it expanded to cover the entire country. It started operations in television two years later. Though officially a network of cantonal TV channels, Windstar operated on a national level with little geographical variation on its content: the regional model was adopted by 3C to avoid having to go through a bidding process.
• 1965: 3C launched Hemonia Publishing.
• 1982: 3C acquired the basketball team Percy Bombers (now the Percy Jets).
• 1986: 3C acquired urlink Computer Services, and later debuted in the ISP market.

3C's expansion into markets unrelated to chemicals and drugs worried the Social Cooperation Party, which tried to block the acquisitions and establishments, most famously through the Company Sectors Act 1971 pushed by the Tógisi government, to no avail. Edward R. Schindler's proposal to rid 3C of its "unrelated" ventures, a few months after the acquisition of urlink by 3C, was one of the causes that triggered the downfall of his government in 1989.

The turning point. Soon after winning the 1999 general election, Liberal Democrat Alejandra Ríos Soriano appointed Frederikus Ronaigi, 3C's chief financial officer, Minister of Finance. An odd nomination, considering that he had no political experience, and he declined to discuss the details of the acquisition of urlink by 3C, but Ronaigi was one of the most competent people in Kalșerian finance.

On June 13, 1999, Bob Morris, Ronaigi's successor, submitted 3C's latest financial data for review by Stenhauser Insurance's auditing division. Stenhauser noticed that a good portion of funds reported in 3C's earnings was unaccounted for, as well as some notes written in pencil, including one "PURGE". When asked about this, Morris explained that the paper in their possession was not the final document, and that they had to give it back and wait for the final document as soon as possible. Stenhauser gave the papers to the Ministry of Finance, who had an investiagion launched on 3C in August of that year. They sent all of 3C's financial reportings, present and past, to the Financial Division of the Police.

On September 9, 1999, the Police seized the 3C offices, and found 96 documents that contained instructions on how to falsify the numbers for the financial report and by how much, as well as names of individuals and companies, followed by sums, among which "AR: ħ15'000'000 PAID". Congress established the joint Congress Committee on 3C on January 17, 2000, despite objections from Ríos Soriano and Ronaigi, who insisted that the situation would "sort itself out". On the same day of the beginning of operations of the Committee, 3C stock, valued at ħ84 in its peak in 1996, plummeted to less than ħ0.5, and was delisted from the Evalria Stock Exchange three weeks later.

The Committee found, through multiple painstaking hearings, that 3C had consistently inflated its earnings since at least 1987, that it had donated a total of ħ350 million to several politicians and key figures of a number of companies, and that many of the transactions since 1987 were marked at much higher prices than what was truly paid or earned. No documents prior to 1987 were made available to Stenhauser, the Police or the Committee.

Alejandra Ríos Soriano's loss to the vote of no confidence in March of 2001 was motivated by the presence of Frederikus Ronaigi and his attempts to stop the investigation into 3C, as well as the complicated case of Foreign Affairs Minister Joshua Clarendon-Nowak, accused of possessing illicit material featuring minors. As a result of the vote, Ríos Soriano was forced to resign both as Prime Minister and as leader of the Liberal Democratic Party. At first, President Ionas Miagi was willing to give the task of forming a new government to Roderick K. Carver, the new leader of the Liberal Democratic Party, but Pact for the Country, the largest of the junior partners in the Ríos Soriano government, declared itself to be unavailable for another Liberal Democratic government. The task was then given to Domingo Cardo, Social Cooperationist leader and Ríos Soriano's rival in the 1999 election.

The aftermath. The new cabinet, headed by Prime Minister Domingo Cardo, drafted a plan to break up the 3C "chaebol" and ensure a smooth transition with as few job losses as possible, which would be enacted by Cardo's successor Robert Havlicek. The 3C network was divided as such:

• 3C's pharmaceutical division: spun off as the Callanserrian Pharmaceutical Corporation; acquired in 2011 by Hopper-Jahnke, rebranded as "Farmakal".
• 3C's chemical division: rebranded Serchem.
• 3C Recreational Club Network: disbanded.
• Rockford Insurance: spun off in 2003.
• Rockford Bank: absorbed by 3tbank in 2003.
• Cally's: acquired by Knirsch; all stores rebranded.
• Windstar Radio: acquired by Times of Kalșeri and Discovery in 2008, and rebranded "Ninth Radio"
• Windstar Television: acquired by Times of Kalșeri and Discovery in 2008, and rebranded "The Ninth".
• Hemonia Publishing: spun off in 2004, acquired by Hachette.
• Percy Jets: sold to a group of local entrepreneurs under the banner "Save the Jets".
• urlink: spun off in 2004, went bankrupt in 2010. Infrastructure built by urlink divided among the other ISPs.

The people.

• Frederikus Ronaigi, the CFO prior to his appointment as Minister of Finance, was sentenced to 42 years in prison for accounting fraud (7 years), bribery of a public official (15), securities fraud (15) and perjury (5) and a fine of ħ25 million in 2003. He was also permanently barred from holding political offices of any sort. Release scheduled for the year 2045, not counting the good behavior factor.
• L. W. Parham, the CEO, was given 27 years in prison and a ħ15 million fine for accounting fraud and conspiracy to commit securities fraud. Release scheduled in 2030, again not counting the good behavior factor.
• Bob Morris, Ronaigi's successor, was sentenced to 10 years and a ħ7.5 million fine for accounting fraud and perjury in 2003. Released in 2011 on good behavior.
• Alejandra Ríos Soriano resigned after losing a vote of no confidence in 2001, and retired from politics. She was sentenced to a ħ7 million fine for attempted obstruction of justice. To this day, she insists that the "AR" mentioned in the papers was not her, and has been the subject of an on-and-off social media trolling campaign where people would comment such slogans as "3C", "How's Fred doing?" and "L+Ratio+3C+JCN".
• President Ionas Miagi insisted that he had not objected to Ronaigi's nomination as Minister of Finance because he, like everyone else, was unaware of 3C's manipulation of its own financial reports.

Questions that still torment those who try to make sense of the 3C case:

• Why did Morris send the wrong paper?
• How far back in time did 3C's corruption go?
• What was the role of the CEO in the fudge job?
• Was 3C actually risking insolvency?
• Did Scioni make the State back out of its role as supervisor out of his own volition, or did 3C "contribute" to that decision?
• What if it was an inside job?
• Was Morris actually a government agent? -> If so, why bother with the trial, unless it was just for show?

A Party about Nothing: the parable of the All-Kalșerian Party

It's a fresh August night in 1983. You're watching the news, mostly as background noise to keep you some veneer of company. First topic: internal politics. Ah, the segment where reporters talk about two amorphous blobs, one red and one blue, bickering about nothing while everyone else is losing. A thought enters your mind: "Ugh, these parties again? I can't stand either of them! Y'know what I should do? That's right: form my own party and show those old guys in Evalria who's boss!", but then you come to your senses and realize that forming a political party, let alone one that can upend the two-party system that ruled your country for decades, is much easier said than done. You take a sip of your drink of choice, wondering who in their right mind would ever think of attempting such a thing.

On 18 August 1983, civil lawyer Ray Haas walked out of an office in Branbury, Lág, on his way to lunch, accompanied by some friends and colleagues of his. Throughout the lunch, a name kept being uttered: "All-Kalșerian Party".

Born in 1931, Raeburn William Haas does not seem to have accomplished anything of substance in life: he graduated in Law at the University of Lág in 1956, and prior to that, he had a brief stint as an ice hockey player in a local amateur league. He founded his own law firm in Branbury, Lág, specializing in real estate law. In terms of politics, he went to the polls as a sign of civic duty, but nothing beyond that.

When Ray Haas founded the All-Kalșerian Party in 1983, there had already been a number of parties that sought to dispose of the two-party system that had been governing Kalșeri since 1959 — or, arguably, since 1934 — but ultimately became lost to the sands of time: the Reform Party (no, not the current one), the United Country Party, the Huey Long-inspired Share Our Wealth Party, the Social Credit Party, the Fatherland Party and the Republican Party. But to Ray Haas, his creature wasn't like the others. What the All-Kalșerian Party had — and the others didn't, according to Haas — was a sincere commitment to stick it to the two big men in the room. What it didn't have, however, was a comprehensive program of what it would do once it entered power, but Haas figured that the All-Kalșerian core policy of opposing the present duopoly would beget other policies that would make it stand out from the mass.

The 1984 presidential election

1983 was like any other year, but beyond its immediate boundaries lay one big opportunity: next year's presidential election. Ray Haas didn't much care for the formalities of Gann Street, but such a big occasion would grant the All-Kalșerian Party at least some funding, and it would allow him to introduce his idea to the Kalșerian public. On February 15, 1984, Haas announced from the podium of the Westphalia Convention Center that he was running for President; in the same speech, he outlined seven key policies of the All-Kalșerian Party:

• create a viable third-party alternative to the SCP and the LDP;
• fix the national budget;
• introduce balanced-budget amendments across all tiers of government;
• ban donations from large corporations to political parties;
• make the office of Prime Minister directly elected by the people;
• introduce term limits across all elected positions.

In an April 1984 survey by Golden Sun, the All-Kalșerian Party polled just below 2%. While it may be considered an important stepping-stone for a party that hand't yet turned one year old, Haas's decided idleness in some key issues, like the Cape Sundervale question and equal representation between Ralagia (native Kalhan speakers) and non-Ralagia in Congress, stunted any hope of immediate change in fortune.

In June, three months before the election, a full-page ad appeared on the weekly copy of Golden Sun: it said "SHAKE THE SYSTEM UP. SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS.", and depicted a red bull and a blue fox being held by their scruff high by a handsome muscular, Herculean-looking man donning a ribbon that said "All-Kal". A short description of some key policies filled the bottom third of the page, and the party name and contact information capped it off. Haas promised that this was but the first sign of activity from the All-Kalșerian Party, and indeed it was: printed ads began to appear in large cities. While the numbers in the polls did not increase by much, Haas was endorsed by wildly different groups at the fringes of Kalșerian politics, most prominently Lucy Hennig of Paisley County, Kalúen, who had some weird opinions on non-White and non-heterosexual people; and Tina Kaloșagi-Hunter, a self-declared Marxist and feminist who thought that the War on Drugs was a lost cause. Both women worked for the Haas campaign, and joined the party. In a gesture of gratitude, and also following the logic of "opposites attracting", Haas promoted Hennig to Treasurer of the Party, and Kaloșagi-Hunter was made Chief Strategist.

On September 20, 1984, Haas received 4.5% of the vote, a very, very distant second behind former High Summoner Victor Espeland, who received 78% of the votes and was supported by the LDP and the SCP. Despite the margin of defeat, the All-Kalșerian Party was elated: with a shoestring budget and no televised debates, it conquered second place. Haas declared that it was "a step in the right direction" towards Evalria. He also admitted that some of the votes his party received were either out of curiosity for this "quirky little party", or boredom.

The 1987 general election

At the second Plenary Session in 1985, Haas set his agenda, which was a rehash of last year's presidential agenda with some words changed and shuffled around. After that, five people were allowed onto the stage, and each delivered some pithy sentences on where they thought the party should go:

• Hennig, who argued for more socially conservative positions;
• Kaloșagi-Hunter, who didn't share Hennig's vision at all;
• Gene Lockwood, a university professor who argued that 1) bringing back the pre-Colombian native religion of Kalșeri wasn't such a bad idea, and 2) marijuana was perfect for rituals;
• Charles Napolitano, a fishing entrepreneur from Plymouth, Lág who despised taxes and wanted to ban non-physical persons (i.e. corporations) from donating money to political parties, as well as set a ħ500 cap on political donations pro capite, but was otherwise uninterested in politics;
• Julienne Smith, a journalist for URB/FANG member Mount Takal Rediffusion. She was the only one with a program that came close to covering all aspects of Kalșerian life, with positions not too dissimilar from those of the left-of-center Republican Party.

By the time Smith began to speak, the convention center had become unbearably loud, thanks to Hennig supporters and Kaloșagi-Hunter supporters attacking each other. Her intervention was made possible after Haas invited the crowd to settle down. Haas reiterated the common goal for the All-Kalșerian Party: take the LDP and the SCP down.

Nothing unusual emerged from the AK Party — which began to be nicknamed "47", much to Haas's mild annoyance — until 1986, when Haas called the third Plenary Session to draft a battle plan for the most important event in Kalșerian politics: the general election. Despite the very diverse base that gravitated around Haas's movement, the AKP published a 60-page booklet that promised fiscal responsibility, a return to morality in politics and a shift of focus back to the Kalșerian everyman. If the 1984 presidential result was anything to go by, the AKP was looking at some seats for sure, and they — Ray Haas included — went almost all in on the PR blocks, which made up two-thirds of the 200-seat House; indeed, the only two single-member candidates were Julienne Smith (Lennoxton) and Charles Napolitano (Plymouth).

They both lost. In fact, the only All-Kal to win a seat was Ray Haas himself, in the Proportional Representation block for Lág. The All-Kalșerian campaign, which achieved just 2.3% of the popular vote, was beset by issues:

• Hennig and Kaloșagi-Hunter, the two most vocal members of the Party, attacked each other on a daily basis;
• the resulting image was that of a motley crew that did not offer a consistent opinion on anything; [Just as an example, Kaloșagi-Hunter and Lockwood were in favor of legalizing marijuana, whereas Hennig was decidedly anti-drugs]
• the National Democratic Party (yes, that one) launched an all-out attack against the two main parties, and, unlike the All-Kalșerian Party, could count on a national newspaper, The National Standard;
• "fixing the national budget" was one of the main selling points of the Liberal Democratic Party, led by Richard Molyneux;
• the youth, the demographic group that the Party had the highest hopes for, either stuck with the duopoly or found an alternative in the Republicans or the Greens;
• in the three televised debates, Ray Haas often didn't finish sentences, either due to time running out or him entering a wild web of tangents, and hesitated for a long time before answering questions.

A week after the election, Julienne Smith quit the party, citing the indecisiveness on key issues, and joined the Republican Party.

Ray Haas won the 1988 leadership election handily, shutting both Hennig and Kaloșagi-Hunter out, but this would be the last of his easy victories.

The 1989 general election.

Prime Minister Edward Schindler's policies alienated the federalist faction of the SCP, which then broke off and formed Pact for the Country. PftC promoted federalism and sensible politics, and placed itself between the SCP and the LDP. Ray Haas watched the opening Congress of the Pact in horror as it dawned on him that the market for third parties had become crowded, and that the Pact had something that the AKP didn't: a sizable contingent in Congress.

The other variable that Haas had to account for was Phil Garner, the new Leader of the LDP. The former Zeitgeist Chalmersville star with a penchant for soundbites had two things going for him: 1) he came from a Yarkie political dynasty [Phil himself was Mayor of Chalmersville, same post held by his father; and his brother was a Representative], and 2) he was youthful and energetic, and had a simple and captivating way of speaking; things that the 57-year-old Ray Haas was not and did not have.

The fifth Plenary Session was featured on the news, but for the wrong reason: the fight between Lucy Hennig and Tina Kaloșagi-Hunter became physical, to the point where both women had to be escorted out. After this incident, the Kalșerian Election Commission sent a letter to the AKP, expressing concern over the lack of moderation over the two factions.

As for how the All-Kalșerian Party fared in the 1989 general election...

• the Party failed to publish a unified program, which forced candidates to create their own platforms;
• Haas's affinity for large venues took a toll on party finances, and the funding received by the State was not enough to solve the Party's financial problems, which meant that they had to host conventions in smaller venues; [in the case of the Tigupokian delegation, they had to ask a high school to let them host the convention inside the school gym]
• Hennig and Kaloșagi-Hunter still aired their grievances with each other on the media;
• Pact for the Country painted itself as a reasonable if inoffensive third party, and the electorate preferred "inoffensive" over "disorganized";
• Phil Garner's charisma attracted voters from all walks of life.

Ray Haas lost his seat, but he did not let this setback dissuade him for the next big election.

The 1991 presidential election.

The sixth Plenary Session of the All-Kalșerian Party, the theming of which was to appoint a nominee for the 1991 presidetial election, played out as predicted: Hennig and Kaloșagi-Hunter hurled insults at each other, and Haas — the only AKPer to have accomplished anything worthy of note — was given the nod for a second time. As for the other prominent members, Napolitano drank one Martini too many, flirted with the staff, and passed out on a couch of the hall of the hotel where the Session was held, and Lockwood showed up after the Session had already ended, which he blamed on the confusing directions he was given to reach the hotel.

The election saw Senator William P. O'Grady (PftC, supported by the LDP) prevail narrowly over Pete Clatter (SCP). Haas came in fourth place, behind Jonathan LoRiccio, a guy who ran for President because the county office didn't let him name his daughter Moon Unit.

A month after the presidential election, Haas called a special party members' meeting to address "an important issue". When the members entered the pavillion of the Sappejahamick Convention Hall, they saw Haas standing by the lectern, looking somber. After everyone sat down, Haas moved to dissolve the Party. This time, Hennig and Kaloșagi-Hunter both argued in favor of dissolving the party. Lockwood argued against it, and so did an Urgelian lawyer by the name of Fréderik Elsi. The final result was 396 Ayes, 189 Nays.

"It's hard to pinpoint where it all went wrong", remarked Haas after the votes had been counted. "It's more like a series of tiny mistakes that snowballed into this."

Napolitano used more direct words: "This party was the biggest goddamned disaster I've ever seen. It was a party about nothing."

In 1994, Gene Lockwood attempted to resurrect the All-Kalșerian Party name, but after being given an injunction, he ran under the "Party for All Kalșerians" name, promoting policies such as ending prohibition on drugs and introducing one hour of meditation every day for public officials. His party only appeared on ballot papers in Lág and Evalria.

Where are they now?

• Ray Haas quit politics altogether. He passed away in 2019 after complications from a fall.
• Lucy Hennig became the Leader of the Christian Future Party, which never saw electoral success outside of Paisley County. Hennig herself ran for Senate in 2014, representing her home canton of Kalúen, but didn't make the cut. She now promotes conspiracy theories of various kinds on her platforms.
• Tina Kaloșagi-Hunter formed the Radical Democratic Bloc, a minor left-wing party. She currently lives in Evalria.
• Charles Napolitano retired from politics in 1993. He is now retired, and lives with his family in Corrientes County, Lág.
• After quitting the AKP, Julienne Smith served in the Takalese Cantonal Assembly, and became Leader of the Takalese section of the Republican Party before its nationwide demise in 2000. She lives in Heinzville, Takalim, and has written a book on the All-Kalșerian Party, titled A Party about Nothing.
• Gene Lockwood became an activist for drug law reform, and was one of the chief campaigners for the Yes option in the marijuana legalization referendum in Evalria. He later sold everything and styled himself as a guru, had regular contacts with the New Serigéa Organization, and passed away in 2024.
• Fréderik Elsi ran for President in 1998, bearing the banner of the Anti-Privatizaion Party, which ran on an anti-Garner platform. He currently lives in New Kerry.

The Knights of the Green Fields

In 1969, a peculiar album hits the shelves. Its cover depicts a medieval-esque knight roaming a grassy field on his steed, looking at the sky in what appears to be morning. Its name: Knights of the Green Fields, by a band that bears the same name. At first, the songs in it feel like they're meandering and have no clear start or endpoint. Besides the guitar and drum solos, the album features an array of funny instruments, like... bagpipes? But somehow, it all clicks. The lyrics of most songs, both in English and in Kalhan, talk about tales pertaining to the old pre-Christian religion, once official in the Kingdom of Lág. Even the instrumental songs feel like they're driving the story forward. One year later, Knights of the Green Fields is certified Gold in Kalșeri.

But who are the Knights of the Green Fields?

The band is formed in Evalria in February 1968, by Ionas E. Rigi (lead vocals, harmonica), fresh out of the University of Lág with a degree in Ancient History, and his friends Ioséf "Iosy" Verapalgi (lead guitar) and Matt Renfrew (drums). A few weeks later, Verapalgi persuades a friend of his, bassist Uiliam Kádagi, to join the band, and Kádagi himself invites Hank Droste, a high-school classmate, who is given the lead guitar. The presence of new members allows Verapalgi and Rigi to experiment with instruments unusual for a rock band, such as the aforementioned bagpipes and the flute. The band releases a fifteen-minute demo, which impresses producer Ron Kuchinsky.

Knights of the Green Fields (1969).

After learning that Rigi has a degree in history, Kuchinsky decides to use that to the band's advantage, and gives them only one large directive: build a coherent story that feels realistic. The lyrics, penned by Rigi, go through a few revisions from bandmates and Kuchinsky, mostly in the form of talks that, according to Rigi, last up to six hours. "Each time felt like we were gonna vote for the new Pope", remarks Renfrew in an interview with The Stuffer.

In addition to the standard work expected of an album, Rigi and Verapalgi work long hours perfecting their instruments. Rigi often notices imperfections in the take he has just finished listening to, probably frustrating everyone in the process by forcing another take...

...but, as stated above, the end result is a critical success, and the sales figures are splendid for a debut album. The most commonly praised aspects of Knights of the Green Fields are 1) the lyrics in the album, 2) the careful usage of instruments to make the listener conjure up mental images congruent with the time period portrayed in the album, and 3) exploring a sound that has only been hinted at in Kalșerian music up to that point. The most recurring points of criticism are that the album "teeters on the brink of pretentiousness", and "bagpipes? that's corny!".

Sheherazade (1971).

"If Knights of the Green Fields is so good, why is there no Knights of the Green Fields 2?" Maybe those aren't the exact words, but it reflects what Kuchinsky and many others have in mind after the success of Knights of the Green Fields.

Rather than just telling the stories from the holy pre-Christian texts, Rigi and Droste introduce some hints of political commentary in the lyrics, most famously about peace, the environment, and not knowing how to deal with the entire system of beliefs crumbling before society's very eyes. In terms of instruments, the Knights make it somewhat simpler, but the change isn't obvious on first listen. To avoid angering everyone again, Rigi has everyone — himself included — record each part separately, and manages every one of them, with the occasional input from Kuchinsky.

The final product, named Sheherazade, is released in 1971, and much like its predecessor, is met with near-universal praise from the Kalșerian public. In terms of sales, Sheherazade surpasses the first one, starting from the first week of being on the market. There have been, are, and will be countless debates on which is the better album between Knights of the Green Fields and Sheherazade, but even when one edges out in someone's personal rankings, the other is usually close by. There are differing accounts on how Sheherazade came to be: Verapalgi is said to have chosen the name because "it sounded cool", whereas Kádagi opines that Rigi and Verapalgi named it this way while they were reading One Thousand and One Nights.

The Bash begins.

Two years after Sheherazade, the Knights of the Green Fields release And Now.... Rigi says that it's supposed to "tie all loose ends" from the first two albums, and that it took the band less to make this one. Stylistically, And Now... doesn't sound all that different from the other two albums, a point that has been reported in many reviews, contemporary and retrospective. Another factor that is deemed to work against this album is that it supposedly loses some of its sense without having listened to the first two albums. The album sells less than the first two, but it still appears in the charts.

Undeterred by the good-but-not-great sales of And Now..., the Knights of the Green Fields are invited to a music festival called "Great Plains Music Bash", held just north of Hayworthsville, Kalúen, in which George Harrison is also scheduled to play.

After the Music Bash, Kuchinsky suggests that the band experiment with a new sound. Droste and Kádagi jot down some ideas, but Rigi shoots them all down, saying that changing the sound would mean losing the one aspect that made the Knights stand out from the rest.

As a compromise, Rigi allows Droste and Kádagi to compose three songs for the upcoming album, Navigating (1975), as it veers more toward soft rock. The concept of Navigating is, predictably, man's relationship with the sea throughout history. The album clocks in at just thirty-three minutes — in comparison, Knights of the Green Fields lasts fifty-one minutes, Sheherazade goes on for forty-four minutes, and And Now... tops at forty-six minutes. The consensus on Navigating album is that the songs are decent, but not nearly as memorable as the first two albums, and on par with And Now.... Being the first songs not penned or arranged by Rigi, the Droste-Kádagi songs are often singled out in reviews: these songs are faster-paced than the others, and they tell stories of love — something that Rigi does not care for.

The release of Navigating is overshadowed by the in-fighting between Rigi and Droste, which media outlets begin to cover, thanks to a leak of a session tape to Evalrian radio station EXQ-FM. The leaked tape contains a fight between Rigi and Kádagi: Rigi accuses Kádagi and Droste of "wanting to sell out", Kádagi tells Rigi to "get your head out of your ass", Droste tries — and fails — to quell the fight, and then a smacking sound is heard. In the background, some faint noises resembling those of vomiting can be heard: Renfrew recognizes those sounds as coming from Verapalgi, who has visited the studio less often, and is often in terrible shape whenever he goes there. Verapalgi frequently runs out of breath, his speech is incomprehensible, and at times he sleeps on the couch.

Upon hearing the leaked tape, Kuchinsky delivers an ultimatum: if the two sides of the band don't hash out their differences and don't send Verapalgi to rehab, he will quit as the band's manager and producer. In an attempt to improve the mood of the band, Kuchinsky hires a psychologist to monitor each session of the band, which usually degenerates into verbal — and sometimes physical — fighting. Verapalgi is sent to a rehab facility in New Kerry, and is always accompanied by a doctor.

Kuchinsky quits.

In 1976, fed up with the tense climate, Kuchinsky quits as the producer and manager for the band, officially citing "[his] son's graduation from high school". Kuchinsky will later admit that it was an excuse to bail out, to "get out of that zoo". Droste and Kádagi begin searching for Kuchinsky's replacement, but before long Rigi takes over managing and producing duties. Droste and Kádagi protest Rigi's takeover by deliberately performing badly in the recording sessions, incensing Rigi even further. Verapalgi's role in the production of the first post-Kuchinsky album is reduced to a few seconds of backing guitar in one song.

The fact that 1977 comes and goes without a KGF album, coupled with more news of in-fighting among band members, does not bode well for the fifth album — if it is released at all, that is.

One night, after Rigi leaves the studio, Droste and Kádagi write and record The Architect, which tells the story of an architect who is never satisfied with how a house is turning out and draws one again; at the end of the song, the architect dies without completing a single design. The song incorporates elements from pop, as well as a "groove" reminiscent of disco.

Released in 1978, The Coriolis Effect is singled out not because of its quality — the mixing is off, most of the songs are forgettable, and the lyrics are either a toothless "critique" of modern society or the result of a fever dream — but because of what it represents: dysfunction. The name of the album does not seem to have anything to do with any of the songs. Much to Rigi's chagrin, The Architect is the only single from this album, which triggers a new talking point: "Are KGF going disco?" A harrowing prospect, indeed...

What sets The Coriolis Effect apart from the other albums is that the Knights of the Green Fields refuse to embark on a tour supporting the new album: they instead choose to go on a "break" for some time. This choice is also motivated by Rigi's commitment to a solo album he has been tinkering with on and off.

Event Horizon.

The band returns to the studio in late 1980. On the first session, Rigi introduces two things to the band: a synthesizer and a drum machine. Droste and Kádagi welcome the new equipment, and the band gets to learn how to use them. Renfrew's reaction is more tepid; he will later say "I didn't mind the drum machine, but if Rigi thought that some new toys would be enough to make us number one again... well, look at us now!" The only directive Rigi gives to the rest of the band is to use the shiny new toys to their heart's content for the new album.

As usual, Rigi and Kádagi snip at each other, but the fights are much shorter, and mostly resolved after a brief talk. Rigi proposes a solution to avoid in-fighting and production dragging on for long, as what happened to The Coriolis Effect: Rigi would write and produce half the songs on the new album, and Droste and Kádagi would work on the other half. "I figured that it was exactly what Kádagi and Droste were looking for. Let them chime in more, y'know", says Rigi in an interview. This pact is honored in the final product — and in the album's name, Dichotomy — but not in its ideal 50-50 form: the Droste-Kádagi songs outnumber the Rigi songs by one. This is because besides working on the sixth KGF album, Rigi is also carrying out his own project, and is unable to deliver a sixth song on time, so he asks Renfrew to write one song. Verapalgi does not participate at all, as he is struggling with his barbiturate addiction.

Released in December 1982, Dichotomy is rejected by critics and fans alike, and the sales are pitiful for a band that has reached the peaks of charts. The mixing problems that first appeared in The Coriolis Effect are much more evident here: the synth and guitar solos blare, while the bass guitar can barely be heard, and the drum machine is ever-so-slightly off tempo. In a retrospective review by The Stuffer, Rigi's songs are "a sad parody of themselves", and the Droste-Kádagi songs, plagued with "unoriginal guitar and synth blares", are summed up with one sentence: "so uninspired that not even your neighborhood's teenage garage band would consider writing them". In terms of lyrics, Rigi "phones it in with some generic peace-and-love spiel, somehow more insipid than in Coriolis", whereas Droste and Kádagi "try so hard to make them raunchy that they come off as childish instead". As for the theming... there isn't any, just like The Coriolis Effect. The only song in Dichotomy that isn't universally lambasted is See You, Renfrew's piano ballad dedicated to his late parents; the consensus on this song is that it's schmaltzy, but easily outclasses the other eleven; the fact that it's the only song from Dichotomy to chart at all reflects it.

(In retrospect, perhaps a disco album wouldn't have been the worst outcome.)

Years later, when asked about Dichotomy, this is what each member had to say about it:

• Droste: "Nothing worked. Rigi's often-maniacal precision faltered, and he refused to give any meaningful feedback on ours."
• Kádagi: "With the exception of See You, this album should have been aborted. [...] I'd very much like to take the tapes and every single copy in circulation, and destroy them all." Kádagi also accuses Rigi of hoarding the best songs for himself, and dumping his duds into Dichotomy.
• Renfrew: "It really boils down to this question: who's the greatest fool? Is it us, for making this turd? Is it the label, for greenlighting it even though they knew it was terrible? Or is it those who bought it?"

Rumor has it that Verapalgi vomited upon hearing the name of the album, though it may have been due to other factors. The only one to say anything vaguely supportive of the album is Rigi: "I liked the idea behind it, but it didn't quite render as I'd hoped."

This is what their ex-producer and manager, Ron Kuchinsky, thinks of the album: "the only proper way to enjoy Dichotomy is to listen to See You, and pretend that the other songs don't exist." To this day, KGF fans follow Kuchinsky's strategy: they insist that the last album released by the band was The Coriolis Effect — although many more fans like to pretend that The Coriolis Effect is a promising demo that really needs polishing — and pretend that See You was a stand-alone single. The Knights themselves have refused to release Dichotomy on CD in Kalșeri, they barely mention it at all in interviews, and it doesn't appear anywhere on their official website. See You appears in digital deluxe editions of Sheherazade, thereby removing the one reason to release Dichotomy on digital platforms — it still isn't available in those, either. Dichotomy has since acquired a status as an ironic treasure, one of those musical products deemed "so bad that it has to be witnessed to be believed".

After the end.

On 1 January 1983, weeks after the release of Dichotomy, the band announces its dissolution. Rather than imploding acrimoniously due to incompatible views, Rigi, Kádagi and Droste hash out their differences and make up, and agree that this is not the way forward. The band has since reunited five times: 1989, 1996, 2004, 2011, and lastly in 2015, as a one-off tribute to Ionas Rigi, who had died the year prior. After the 2015 concert, Kádagi, Renfrew and Droste have gone out of their way to announce that KGF would not organize a reunion concert again. See You was the only post-Navigating song that ever appeared on the set list of any reunion concert.

In addition to the reunions, starting from 1984, each member has hosted one or two dinners a year with the others, Kuchinsky (sometimes) included.

As for the protagonists themselves...

• Ionas Rigi released his solo album in 1983, Animalier, to positive reception, kickstarting his successful solo career that lasted until 12 May 2014, when he died in a car crash, at the age of 69.
• Hank Droste joined a number of groups, and had a brief side gig as a solo artist. He currently lives in Evalria, where he hosts Droste Replugged, a podcast about the history of rock music.
• Matt Renfrew became a high school music teacher, and was awarded a honorary degree in Music from the University of Kalúen in 1996. He is now retired, and lives in the Bahamas.
• Ioséf Verapalgi died on 8 March 1983 due to an embolism. He had resumed taking barbiturates at the time of his death, and traces of heroin were found in his room.
• Scarred by Verapalgi's death, Uiliam Kádagi has since refused to touch drugs and alcohol again, and became a spokesperson for the National Association for the Prevention of Drug and Alcohol Abuse (NAPDAA). He served as a Liberal Democratic alderman for Rochelle County, Kalúen from 1985 to 2005, and unsuccessfully ran for several offices. Oh, and he starred in a few PSAs where he tried to sound cool to kids watching; these commercials found new life as sources for memes due to their awkwardness. He ended his music career after the 2011 reunion concert, and now lives in Rochelle County with his family.
• After the experience with the Knights of the Green Fields, Ron Kuchinsky became the producer for new wave band Xoebarra, singer-songwriter Roberta Hewey and pop group Cocorita Club before retiring in 2003. Kuchinsky died in 2012, aged 84.